Thursday, March 29, 2007
The Golden Reign of President Tibi the First
By Steven Plaut
The following is taken from Chapter 12 from the 10th grade history
textbook in use in the United Federation of Palestine, copyright 2013.
It was back in the glorious year of 2007, which was exactly 1429 years
since the Hijra, when Ahmad Tibi became President of Israel. That
auspicious development took place under some unusual arrangements in
Israel regarding the role and functioning of the President of the Jewish
state. Moshe Katsav had been President for some time when he was forced
to step down, due to his being indicted for sexual misconduct. Under
those circumstances, Israeli law declared that the Chairperson of the
Knesset assumes the position of Acting President in Israel. In the case
of the Katsav deposal, the Chairperson of the Knesset was Dahlia Itzik
from the Israeli Labor Party, who immediately assumed the mantel of Acting
Now under the rules governing the acting presidency, Itzik served as
Acting President for only as long as she was in the country and was
physically capable of fulfilling the presidential duties.
Things began to unravel when Itzik decided to attend a professional
conference on the educational merits of cosmetics, held in the Cayman
Islands, those very same islands in which so many Israeli politicians kept
their bank accounts back then. While she was basking in the Caribbean
sun, Itzik turned over the reins of the presidency to the deputy
chairperson of the Knesset, according to the operating rules for such an
event. And that is how Ahmad Tibi, the Deputy Chair of the Knesset,
became the Acting President of Israel in late 2007.
Tibi, unlike Katsav and most of the previous presidents of Israel, was
determined not to serve as a mere figurehead and butt of mockery heading a
powerless presidency. Tibi decided to harness the powers of clemency
granted to the President under Israeli law in order to promote his
That agenda of course was Israel's complete dismemberment and
annihilation. But President Ahmad Tibi was willing to restrain himself
and act cautiously and wisely.
His first order of business was to prevent the return to Israel of Dahlia
Itzik, which would have required that he turn back over to her the
President's Mansion in Jerusalem and the presidential powers. To prevent
that tragedy, he began a process of negotiation with all Labor Party
politicians facing impending indictment or imprisonment. He offered to
grant them blanket clemency in exchange for their voting to remove Itzik
from her position in the party and for ordering her to resign as Knesset
Chairperson. At the same time, Itzik's cooperation was assured when a
number of Hollywood ex-Israelis in the entertainment business made Itzik a
fabulously attractive offer to begin starring in films.
Having dealt with the immediate threat of being forced out of the
Presidency by Itzik, President Tibi then approached the Likud politicians
facing imminent indictment and imprisonment. He promised all of these
blanket clemency in exchange for stripping Katsav of his residual claims
on the presidency and for conferring them formally and permanently upon
Tibi himself. Hence, President Tibi was no longer merely the Acting
President, but was the actual ninth president of the sovereign state of
President Tibi invited representatives of the Hamas and the Islamic
movement of northern Israel to the President's mansion to help him
celebrate his successful appointment. The gala celebration lasted 4 days.
Because the kosher cooking staff had been evicted from the mansion, the
Israeli Labor Party and Meretz were the only Zionist Knesset factions to
send representatives to the festivities.
Once the place was cleaned up, President Tibi could get down to serious
business. He approached the major political factions in the Knesset.
Playing one off against the other, he threatened each party to retract his
previous promise to grant clemency to party members facing imminent
indictment and imprisonment, but would reconsider and restore his previous
pledge as long as they assisted him in imposing his political vision and
agenda on the country.
Of course President Tibi was too clever to attempt all at once to bring
about the dismemberment and abolition of the Jewish state. Instead, using
his powers of clemency as the whip to keep the ornery politicians in line,
Tibi introduced new government decisions one at a time, in a sort of
The first step was to make sure that Israel would not re-conquer the Gaza
Strip and drive out the Qassam rocket crews. So President Tibi introduced
the New Gaza Policy, under which Israel would exercise self-restraint and
respond to barrages of rockets or teams of suicide bombers entering from
Gaza with passive restraint and turning the other cheek. After each
attack, the country would simply call for more talks with the Hamas
government of the Palestinian Authority. Israel would also do absolutely
nothing against the operation of countless smuggling tunnels into Gaza
Next, the government under the guidance behind the scenes of President
Tibi changed its Lebanon policy. Israel announced that in the event of
Katyusha attacks on northern Israel, the most that Israel would do in
response would be to bomb some empty buildings inside Lebanon. Israel
would decidedly NOT send in any ground troops. It would also express
willingness to negotiate the disputed Shabaa Farms territory.
After this, the new government, obeying its puppet-master President Tibi,
agreed that it would reward all Arab terrorist groups that manage to
kidnap Israelis by turning over to them hundreds of imprisoned Palestinian
terrorists. All the past squeamishness about "terrorists with blood on
their hands" was of course forgotten. Israel agreed to free hundreds of
imprisoned terrorists even when the kidnapped Israelis in question had
been murdered in cold blood during captivity.
That accomplished, the Tibi government began an initiative for a repeat
implementation of the ideas behind the Gaza "redeployment" in the West
Bank. The government announced that it was willing to cooperate with the
Saudi "Road Map" master plan, as well as with the outline for peace
prepared by the "Quartet". It accepted the Mecca arrangement by which the
Fat'h and the Hamas shared power in a government that refused to recognize
Israel, and Israel would immediately open talks with its representatives.
President Tibi was well along in his plans to abolish Israel when the most
amazing development of all took place. The Kadima faction in the Knesset,
led by Ehud Olmert himself, approached President Tibi with an official
protest. "Everything you have done so far - the New Gaza Policy, the new
policy of restraint regarding the Hizbollah, the redeployment initiative
for the West Bank, the wholesale release of imprisoned terrorists . ALL
these are really OUR policies and OUR ideas. We are outraged!"
President Tibi, being a modest and restrained sort of person, listened to
the complaints from the Olmerites from Kadima and took them all under
consideration. Rather than slapping Kadima down and dismissing its
members for their impudence, threatening to revoke his pledge of clemency
for all Kadima members facing imminent imprisonment and indictment,
President Tibi chose the path of accommodation and compromise.
"Here is what I suggest," responded President Tibi to the Kadima
complaint. "Rather than quibble over who deserves credit for all these
wonderful policies and strategies, let us simply combine forces and work
for our joint goals together!"
And that was when Kadima and the Raam-Taal party decided to merge to form
one single umbrella political faction, calling itself "Raadima", although
the press dubbed them the "Tiberts". The Tiberts recruited new members
from among Arabs and Jews from across the political spectrum. Its
platform and visions appealed to many politicians from the Likud and the
Labor Party. Meretz refused to join because the Raadima party did not
promise an immediate return to the 1947, one without any negotiations.
The Raadima faction swept the next elections and formed a government
coalition capable of implementing its peace plan at last. And that is how
Israel ceased to exist and was replaced by the United Federation of
Palestine, with capital in al-Quds.
For the history of the ethnic cleansing of the Jews from Haifa, Tel Aviv
and Beer Sheba, see the next chapter in this textbook.
2. The War against Israel:
3. Aussie Nazis:
4. Three Cheers for Daniel Doron:
5. On refusing to learn: