Sunday, April 20, 2008
The Oslo Dayenu
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Oslo put the "die" back in "Dayenu!"
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that Arafat would pursue peace.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that Hamas would be more of a threat to the PLO than to Israel.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that Arafat would fight the Hamas and Islamic Jihad "with no Supreme Court or 'Betselem'" (in Rabin's immortal words).
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that terrorism would decrease.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that hostility to Jews in the Arab and the Western media would decrease. But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that trade between Israel and Arab countries would flourish.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that the Palestinian Authority would be disarmed.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that the PLO would cooperate strategically with the Israel Defense Forces.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that there would be an economic peace dividend.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that Israeli Arabs would demonstrate increasing moderation due to the "peace process".
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that the Hamas and Jihad would be persecuted and suppressed by the PLO.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that PLO arms would never again be used against Jews.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that the PLO leadership would speak in terms of peace with the Jews.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that the PLO would denounce and renounce anti-Semitism.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that the PLO would encourage normalization and daily peaceful commerce between Arabs and Jews.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that the Palestinian Authority would be forced to spend all its energies on resolving domestic social and economic problems.
But they were ever so wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that the Palestinian Authority would have so many internal troubles that it would not have the time or ability to pursue confrontation with Israel.
G-d, but they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that the US would back Israel if the PLO reneged on its obligations or displayed duplicity.
What a joke, they were so wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that the US would cease to pressure Israel to endanger its security and fundamental interests.
But they were mega-wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that the Europeans would rush forward to support Israel.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that the Japanese and Saudis would pour money into regional investments, including into Israel.
But they were surprised to find that they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that the Egyptians would end all animosity towards Israel, Zionism and Jews.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that the non-Arab Moslem countries would gush friendship for Israel.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that Arab military expenditure would drop significantly.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that Arab verbal threats against Israel would end.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that Nazi-like propaganda in Arab countries would end.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that the Israeli Left would lead the retreat from the Oslo experiment it if proved to be not working.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that the Palestinian Authority would never behave as a tin cup Third-World kleptocracy if granted power.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that Jews remaining in Moslem countries would see their treatment dramatically improved.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that liberals and leftists around the world would congratulate Israel for taking risks for peace and rush forward with goodwill and support.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that the majority of Palestinians would denounce all violence and terror.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that Israeli Arabs would exhibit moderation and increasing loyalty to the state of Israel.
But they were wrong.
When they forced Israel to commit Oslo, the Israeli politicians assured us that Palestinian chants of "Death to the Jews" and "Massacre the Jews" would end.
But they were wrong.
Dayenu. Olso put the "die" back in "Dayenu!"
Any one of these errors in judgment should have been enough to end the career of a politician in a normal country, possibly even enough to indict that politician and imprison him or her. But in Israel? The politicians prepare for negotiations on the Saudi Plan and prepare for new unilateral withdrawals from Judea and Samaria.
Dayenu.
2. This Year, Make Your Passover Seder an Inter-Galactic One
Important Passover Message from Mikey Lerner and the Entire Staff of
Tikkun Magazine, the Jewish New Age pro-LSD Magazine:
A few years back, Tikkun's Rabbi Arthur Woodstock issued a call to make it
a multicultural Passover Seder that year: in other words, a mix of Judaism
and PC paganism.
Well, this year Tikkun magazine has issued a new call for all Jews: You
all should make yours a Multi-Galactic Seder!!!!
Yes, this is the year to invite assorted beings from other planets to your
spacy politically-correct Seder, to prove your devotion to multi-galactic
understanding and stamping out speciesism along with SUVs.
The guests will join in and participate in the many traditional
Tikkunesque Passover traditions.
First, the Seder begins with the washing of the hands, or, in the case of
visitors from Vulcan, the tentacles.
Then the guests dine on lamb's legs made from vegan tofu. The Seder ends
with the munching of traditional holiday Tikkun macaroons, made out of
matzos flour and hashish. Served on recyclable dinner bowls.
Now to help make your Tikkun Passover multi-galactic Seder complete,
"Rabbis" Arthur Woodstock and Michael of Meaning have rewritten the
Passover song "Who knows One?"
Here is how the new version will go:
Who knows One? I know One!
One is the greatest rabbi of all time, the Rebbe Jerry Garcia, Shlita.
Who knows Two? I know Two!
Two is Rabbi Cheech and Rabbi Chong, who seem to write most of the
articles for Tikkun magazine. (Alternative version - Two is Two States for
Two Peoples: the Jordanian "people" and the Palestinian "people.")
Who knows Three? I know Three!
Three is the number of square meters Israel should be left with after
adopting policies advocated by Tikkun.
Who knows Four? I know Four!
Four is the greatest sages of Torah learning of all time, according to
Tikkun: Rabbis John, Paul, George and Ringo.
Who knows Five? I know Five!
Five is the five genders officially proclaimed by Hillary (back when
Lerner was her temporary guru of Meaning) at the International Wymmyn's
Conference in Beijing, fully endorsed by Tikkun.
Who knows Six? I know Six!
Six is the SIX-TIES, my Heavy Tikkun Dude!
Who knows Seven? I know Seven!
Seven is the seven basic nutritional groups required to make you a happy
and healthy progressive, namely: cannabis, marijuana, hashish, pot, weed,
grass, and dope.
Who knows Eight? I know Eight!
Eight is the number of people who really read Tikkun magazine.
Who knows nine? I know nine!
Nine is the number of people on earth who actually regard Mikey Lerner as
a rabbi.
Who knows ten? I know ten!
Ten is the median IQ score for Tikkun readers.
Who knows eleven? I know eleven!
Eleven is the number of the Eleventh Commandment: "Thou Shalt Be Trendy!"
Who knows twelve? I know twelve!
Twelve is the number of times Michael Lerner can say "loving and caring"
in one minute (the fewest number of times, that is).
Who knows thirteen? I know thirteen!
Thirteen is the number of sentences from the entire Bible that Tikkun
editors have actually read.
