Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The Large Hadron Collider and Theology

All day long the media have been talking about the launching of that
cool proton smasher machine, the Large Hadron Collider. The media keep
referring to it as a machine that can find the "God Particle," and as a
device that can reveal God's designs of the universe.

Costing 9 billion clams, it supposedly will show how God put together
the early universe, proclaim the media moghuls. It is not every day that
the media take more interest in God than in Angelina Jolie.

Now all this talk about how the machine will supposedly somehow reveal
things about God that are new got me to thinking. I did some snooping
and I discovered something amazing!

No sooner was the LDC device plugged in and the ignition switch turned
than a lot of fire and smoke emerged from it and then out of that was
heard this exotic voice, which made the following pronouncements. So as
you see, the machine is already delivering on its theological
expectations. The Voice declared:

1. Don't recycle, it just wastes resources.
2. Palestinians are a "people" a bit like OJ Simpson was innocent.
3. Single-payer health systems don't work.
4. Scientology is not a religion. Neither is Reconstructionism.
5. Never take seriously anything a Hollywood actor says about
6. Belief in Marxism is a form of mental illness.
7. Conspiracy nuts will all rot in hell.
8. Impossible things generally do not happen. Inevitable things
generally do happen.
9. There is no such thing as a male in a female's body or vice versa.
10. I ain't gonna help you win the lottery so don't even ask.
11. Don't blame Me when the S&P drops 20%.
12. If you reward terrorism, you will get more of it.
13. Fat people do not have fat genes.
14. It is not My role in the universe to help you avoid effort or the
need to work.
15. People asking you for spare change will not use the money to buy
16. There are no Nigerian princes out there waiting to hand you large
inheritances through the internet.
17. You can't study for a blood test.
18. The fact that women have trouble parallel parking is part of the
inherent design of the universe. Ditto for men not asking for
19. Only stupid people believe in astrology.
20. Michael Lerner is not a rabbi.

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