Zionist Conspiracy

1. The Technion gaily goes down the road to PC Sodom:
http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-3682162,00.html (not a Purim
spoof)

Special Purim items:

2. The Political Lessons of Purim

I. Just before Purim it is traditional for Jews to read as the Haftara
portion in synagogues the section of the First Book of Samuel in which
King Saul is stripped of his kingdom and office. The context is that
Haman, the villain of Purim, is thought to be descendent from Agog, the
evil king of the Amalekites, captured by King Saul. The Biblical
injunction to "Remember what Amalek did to you" is considered particularly
timely in the days of proximity to Purim.

This year it occurred to me that there are important political messages in
this segment of the Book of Samuel. Just to remind you of the context, the
Bible orders Jews to annihilate the Amalekites, including their animals.
But it turns out that the Israelites, with the connivance of King Saul,
have disobeyed. They have captured animals from the Amalekite herds and
retained them, and King Saul has captured the evil King of the Amalekites,
Agog, but has not slain him. The Bible uses an interesting term for the
failure to kill Agog and the animals. The precise words for the failure in
the Biblical Hebrew are variations on the word "Chamal", which means "have
mercy upon", usually translated into English in this segment as "spared".
King Saul tells the Prophet Samuel that the Israelites defied instructions
and illicitly "took mercy" upon the animal booty they had been ordered to
destroy and also
"took mercy" upon the Amalekite King.

The Prophet Samuel goes into a rage, declares that Saul is hereby stripped
of his Kingship, orders the animals killed, and then Samuel himself slits
the throat of King Agog with his own hand. So where are the political
lessons? First, it is that people tend to misrepresent their own
selfishness and grasping materialism as "compassion"; affectations and
posturings of compassion are often little more than excuses for illicit
selfishness. That is precisely what enraged Samuel and is denounced in
such harsh terms by the words of the Bible. Second, unjustified mercy is
not only out of place but it is among the worst crimes one can commit.
Even a king who commits it is considered a villain beyond redemption and
beyond the ability to repent. Let us note that "real politik" dominates
the Bible, which recognizes that kings may need to kill people to maintain
their power and public order. The Bible is willing to make its peace with
such killing - but not with unjustified mercy.

Agog is a terrorist. He is not entitled to mercy, and showing him mercy is
an unforgivable crime. Saul is stripped of his kingdom, which passes to
David. Samuel showed the proper way to deal with captured terrorists when
he cut Agog''s throat.

With Purim coming this week, the political lessons of Purim were never
more timely and relevant.

II.
Purim is the day in which we celebrate the killing of anti-Semites by
armed Jews in
the Persian empire. If you thought it was only a holiday to celebrate
Jews being rescued from Haman's peace plan, you are wrong. Haman's peace
plan was neutralized NINE MONTHS BEFORE the date of Purim.

So why is Purim on the 14th and 15th of Adar in the Jewish religious
calendar?
NOT because Hamas had plans to kill all the Jews on the 13th (the date
based on the lots he threw), and not because Hamas was dispatched to the
peace conference of the after-world, all of which unraveled nine months
earlier in Sivan, but rather because the Jews were killing the
anti-Semites.

Some 76,000 in the Persian Empire, according the Bible. Yes, that is
correct,
Purim is a holiday first and foremost in which we celebrate Jews killing
anti-Semites. The date of Purim is based on when the Jews finished the
job and then lay back to savor their deed!

But the Purim rescue and revenge are themselves very closely associated in
Jewish tradition with Amalekites. Amalek is the nation of evil-doers, who
first assault the Jews, even before they get a chance to catch their
breath as they are leaving Egypt. Jews are commanded to annihilate
Amalek, and they remind themselves of this every year, shortly before
Purim, in the synagogue. No peace dialogues and negotiations, but
annihilation.

There is one interpretation of the role of Amalek in the world worth
noting. Amalek were the world's first suicide bombers. There is a
Rabbinic interpretation that holds that Amalek KNEW they would be ordered
by God to be annihilated for attacking the Jews, but their hatred was so
intense that they wished to do so anyway, willing to sacrifice themselves.

They sought to be the world's true first anti-Semites (even Pharaoh was
not exactly an anti-Semite as such, just reluctant to emancipate his slave
property, a bit understandably). There are no long-term eternal curses in
the Torah on Egypt, which is indeed remembered always with a bit of
gratitude for having taken in hungry Israel in the first place). Amalek
wished to make things safer for those who would follow, like a soldier
lying on a grenade so that his colleagues may advance.

So, clearly today's Palestinian suicide bombers are the descendents of
Amalek and the terrorism and Palestinian fascism must be annihilated, just
as must Amalek.

But why did Amalek hate the Jews so? When Amalek attacked the Jews, it
was NOT because the Jews were "occupying" anyone's land. They were just
wandering in the Sinai wilderness, minding their own business. They did
not take anyone's property (well, except Pharaoh's). There was no
material grievance anyone could have held against the Jews. And THAT is
precisely the point. THAT indeed is why we are commanded to remember
Amalek and what it did.

Amalek hated the Jews for NO reason. The point of the commandment to
remember Amalek is to remind ourselves of how there is NO underlying
grievance that explains anti-Semitism, and so it cannot be ended through
appeasement and dialogue. It is pointless asking WHY anti-Semites hate
Jews. There are never rational reasons. Hence, anti-Semitism can only be
fought, through use of force and arms, not understood nor appeased.

The only way to deal with Amalek and similar anti-Jewish suicide bombers
and their commanders is the way the Prophet Samuel dealt with Agag,
ancestor of Haman, king of the suicide bombers, when the old man Samuel
slit his throat and berated King Saul for showing mercy towards the
terrorist. Saul was stripped of his kingdom for engaging in Oslo
negotiations. What a great political precedent! If only the Olso Cult in
the 90s had learned the lesson of Samuel and dealt with the current kings
of the suicide bombers the same Prophetic way, rather than trying to
appease them into peaceful coexistence.

And speaking of King Saul, the Book of Samuel is very clear about the
cowardice that initially greets the use of arms when Jews use it against
anti-Semites. When Saul took to the war path against the Philistines,
there were outcries from the bleeding hearts. Demands for Peace Now. War
is not the answer, they bellowed. You are upsetting the apple cart,
whined the appeasers among the tribes of Israel. We have a modus vivendi
with them. We pay them tribute and are subservient to them. We respect
their dainty sensitivities. You will get the whole world MAD at us if we
assassinate their leaders and the Philistine terrorists? They will indict
King Saul at the Hague!

Sound familiar?

3. ISRAEL'S MUSIC MAN

(special for Purim)
The Israeli Labor Party recently selected Ehud Barak, who had been
prime minister from 1999 to 2001, to serve as its party chief and
contender for prime minister in the next election, probably in 2008.

Barak has always been associated in my mind with music -
as well as the incredibly harmful policies he has advocated since entering
politics. True, Barak was a military hero. He even entered Beirut
disguised as a woman to assassinate terrorists, a scene recorded in the
movie "Munich." You can imagine how many jokes at his expense that
triggered.

But once he left the army, he went out shopping for
political ideas and ended up buying the silliest ones available on the
Shimon Peres/Oslo vintage clothing rack. He attempted to turn the Golan
Heights over to Syria, which would have allowed the Syrian military to
advance to the shores of the Sea of Galilee. This inspired me at the time
to write a parody of an old Bobby Darin classic, with Ehud Barak singing
"Splish Splash I was taking a Ba'ath."

It continued: "Splish, Splash! I jumped back in the bath.
Well how was I to know there was appeasement going on?"

Barak is often proclaimed by the media to be the "most
decorated Israeli general." But in the summer of 2006 he effectively
dropped 4,000 Katyusha rockets on northern Israel, because those attacks
were a direct result of his having ordered Israel's withdrawal from
southern Lebanon.

And now Barak is desperately looking for a new campaign
jingle. Being a helpful sort, I thought I would give him a hand.

To understand the new song, you need to recall that in
1998 Barak declared: "I imagine that if I were a Palestinian of the right
age, I would, at some stage, have joined one of the terror organizations."

My proposed campaign song for Reb Ehud is based on the
wonderful "If I Were a Rich Man" from "Fiddler on the Roof."
(Unfortunately Tevye is not running for prime minister.)
Ready? Here goes!

Dear God, you made so many, many cowardly people.
I realize, of course, that it's no shame to be a coward.
But it's no great honor, either!
So, what would have been so terrible if
I had a small dose of gumption?
(music)

If I were a terrorist,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba
deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bomb.
If I were a Hamas man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba
deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy bomber bum,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle BOMB.

I'd have a big tall house with virgins by the dozen,
Right in the midst of Gaza town.
A fine tin roof with real al-Kassams below.
There would be one long rocket just going up,
And one even longer coming down,
And one more leading nowhere, just for show.
I'd fill my yard with chicks and turkeys
and other Labor chiefs,
For all the town to see and hear.
And each loud "cheep" and "squawk"
and "honk" and "quack"
Would ring like a Kassam in my ear,
As if to say "Here lives a Tanzim man."

If I were a terrorist,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba
deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bomb.
If I were a Hamas man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba
deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy bomber bum,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle BOMB.

The most important men in town
would come to fawn on me!
They would ask me to be appeased by them,
Like Shimon Peres the Kind.
"If you please, Reb Ehud..."
"Pardon me, Reb Ehud..."
Posing problems that would cross a Tanzim's mind!
And it won't make one bit of difference
if I answer war or peace.
When you're me, they think you really know!

If I were a terrorist,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba
deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bomb.
If I were a Hamas man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba
deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy bomber bum,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle BOMB.

Lord who made the lion and the lamb,
You decreed I should be what I am.
Would it spoil some vast eternal plan
If I were a ter-ror-ist MAN!!!
(Curtain closes)

More music:

Reprint from 2000:

There is an old anti-Semitic chant that Jew-haters have chanted over
the centuries: 'HEP HEP.' Apparently the origin is an acronym of the
Latin terms for 'Jerusalem is destroyed.' The slogan carries the
connotations of 'Juden Heraus.'

Which brings me to the great oldies song RUNAROUND SUE by Dion. The
song, you alterfogies like me will recall, begins with the chant 'HEP HEP
Oh yeah, HEP HEP Oh yeah,' which has always led me to suspect it was in
fact a secretive 1950s cabal and call for people to bash the Jews and
Judaism, disguised as an innocent Doo Wop classic.

Be that as it may, I have been thinking a lot about Dion these days
because Shulamit Aloni is about to get the Israel Prize on Israeli
Independence Day, in acknowledgement of all her efforts on behalf of
Palestinian Independence and against Jewish Independence. Aloni, the
Madame LaFarge of the Israeli Left, has spent most of her career trying to
rid Israel of Jewish religion and Zionism, and was bashing the Orthodox
long before Tommy Lapid made it the calling card of his Shinui Klansters.
The Israeli government of Barak is about to grant the award to Shu Aloni
for her lifetime achievements in dezionizing Israel, down to and including
the prohibition of reading in schools those parts of the Bible (while she
was Ministress of Education) that might tend to make Jews too .militant
and nationalist., like where Joshua and the Judges kick butt. Aloni had
begun as a mild civil rights activist but apparently underwent a process
of radical Palestinianization when she discovered that Dorothy refused to
turn over to her the ruby slippers.
Anyway, it is in honor of this great occasion that I have made some
slight editorial changes in the Dion classic to honor the great Brunhilda
of the Israeli Far Left. I expect you all to have the words memorized and
the chord patterns worked out so that you can sing the tune in time for
the celebrations of Israel's (Last?) Independence Day. All together now,
and we sing:

RUNAROUND SHU

HEP HEP (the original meaning) Oh Yeah, HEP HEP Oh YEAH, HEP HEP Oh Yeah,
Ahhhhhhhhh

Here's my story, sad but true
It's about a girl that I once knew
She took my love then ran around
With every terrorist guy in town
Ah, I should have known it from the very start
This girl will leave me with a bombed out heart
Now listen people what I'm telling you
It.s Bombs Away with-a Runaround Shu

I miss her lips and the scowl on her face
The touch of her hair and her Islamic embrace
So if you don't wanna cry like I do
A-keep away from-a Runaround Shu

Ah, she likes to travel around
With every terrorist in town,
Now people let me put you wise
Shu goes out with all the Hamas guys
Here's the moral and the story from the guy who knows
She pigged out on pork and her love still grows
Ask any fool that she ever knew, they'll say
Bombs away with-a Runaround Shu

Oh HEP HEP, oh yeah, HEP HEP oh Yeah, HEP HEP oh Yeah,
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

4. The Purim Clown, 1997:
http://www.afsi.org/OUTPOST/97APR/apr8.htm

5. The Politically Correct Scroll of Esther:
http://www.israelnationalnews.com/Articles/Article.aspx/2104

6. About 15 years back, Yossi Sarid took over as head of Meretz and
made two strategic decisions. He held his party primaries on Shabbat to
make sure religious people could not participate, and he decided to invite
the Israeli Pork Importers Association to hold their own conference in
Meretz party headquarters. The last decision inspired this original poem,
reproduced here just in time for Purim:

Meretz is now run by Yossi ("Mr. Call-Me-Ishmael") Sarid, who has nudged
out Shulamit Aloni as party chief. Meretz has now announced that they
will hold their party internal primary .... on Shabbat. They claim
this is so that soldiers can vote in the primary. But do you get the
vague feeling that there is someone else they want to keep out of the
primary? This decision brings to mind the earlier decision by Meretz
to host a convention of pork manufacturers in Jerusalem. This inspired
the following song:

To Meretz To Meretz, To Buy a A Fat Pig,
Home Again Home Again, Jiggety Jig.

To Meretz To Meretz, To Buy a Fat Hog,
Home Again Home Again, Jiggety Jog.

To Meretz To Meretz, To Buy a Young Shoat,
Home Again Home Again, Ready to Vote.

To Meretz To Meretz, to buy a fat sow,
Stir fry it with scallions, I'd like A Peace Now.

To Meretz To Meretz, to buy a crisp chimp,
Sautee it with butter and serve it with shrimp.

To Meretz To Meretz, to buy an old horse,
We'll send her to the Knesset like Caligula of course.

7.
And now from Sioux City, Iowa, Pants Productions brings you live from
the Ed Sullivan Theater: The Late Show, with Dave Letterman.
Tonight's Top Ten List. Tonight, Dave brings you the
ten recent feature articles appearing in Tikkun magazine:

10. Why the Yom Kippur services should be conducted only in Black
English.
9. How to hide psychedelic drugs in tefillin boxes so's the pigs don't
catch you.
8. Jewish symbolism in the film "Easy Rider".
7. The pros and cons of bathing for progressives.
6. What to order when you take an Palestinian terrorist to lunch.
5. Why dolphins should be allowed be ordained as Rabbis.
4. Plans for establishing a Deconstructionist Rabbinical Seminary.
3. Why Jews should show solidarity with life forms on Vulcan.
2. Planting trees for peace in Baghdad.
1. Why smoking pot on the Sabbath is not only permitted but
mandatory..

8. "I said that I completely rule out Shimon Peres and see in his
advancement a malignant moral bankruptcy of the worst kind. I will tear
my garments in mourning if I ever see him as a cabinet minister in
Israel." Moshe Sharet, Prime Minister of Israel, 1955, quoted in
his published diaries, volume 8, page 2301.

Peres on Peres:
The Olde Peres:
"Without a defensible security border, the state of Israel will be
destroyed
in a war."
The New Peres:
"Anyone who wishes to achieve both peace and security will not achieve
either." Maariv, June 26, 1995.

More Peres quotes:
"The peace process is not intended to stop the terror at all." Jewish
Press,
April 21, 1995.

When urging the cabinet to stop demanding the revoking of the Palestinian
National Covenant by the PLO: "This is hurting the Palestinians and so is
making the Palestinians look like collaborators with Israel." Haaretz
Feb. 12,
1996.

"Ich bin ein Bayer (I am a Bavarian)." During 1994 visit to Southern
Germany, area where Hitler began the Nazi party.

"There were two Holocausts during World War II, not one. The Jewish one
and
the bombing of Hiroshima." Peres in New York speech in 1994.

9. I would like to bring to your attention the fact that
in Stockholm there operates a transportation research center whose name is
(I am not making this up, scout's honor):
BYGGFORSKININGSRADET.
So any of our progressive brethren who have regrets about that little
snipping they underwent on their 8th day should go give the Swedish
Institute a call.

10. Special Purim song for when the Dow drops below 7000:

Hava Nitroshesh Na - Rash Rash Rash (let's go broke, Rash Rash Rash)