Zionist Conspiracy

An Open Letter from President Shimon Peres to President Barack Obama
Relayed to the world by Steven Plaut

Dear Mr. President,

I am shocked, Mister President, truly shocked. After all the hope you
have inspired for a new America, after your denunciation of American
arrogance, after your pledge to solve problems with the world's terrorists
through talking, here you go and order the American Navy SEALS to violate
the human rights of the Somalian pirates without so much as reading them
their Miranda rights!

Have you lost your senses? Why could you not have learned from the
lessons offered to you by Israel in its successful strategy to get Gilad
Shavit released from captivity! After all, we have worked quietly and
peacefully for more than three years to obtain Shavit's freedom. Why
could you not have been content to do the same with Captain Phillips?
What happened to your promise to deal with all forms of activism in the
world being perpetrated by misunderstood militants through civilized
talking?

Mister President Minister, I have a great amount of experience in dealing
successfully with terrorism and violence, and this is why I wish to
explain to you why your actions were unjustified and simply unforgivable.
The first thing you must realize is that one can only make peace with
one's enemies. With one's friends there is no need to make peace. There is
no military solution to the problems of terrorism, and this is why you
should have sought a diplomatic solution to the holding of Captain Richard
Phillips. "No Justice, No Peace," as they say. You must now invite the
leaders of this Somalian protest organization responsible for the
hijacking of the ship and the holding of Captain Phillips to the White
House. You must learn to feel their pain and understand their needs.
But most importantly, you must end the illegal occupation of territory
that does not belong to you! First, you must withdraw from Guam and
Hawaii and remove all the illegal Anglo-Saxon settlers there. But that
is just a beginning. Large sections of the United States, including the
Southwest, are illegally occupied territories. Some even have a Hispanic
majority.

The solution is to create two states for two peoples inside Illinois
itself. One will be for the Americans and the other for the Somali
pirates.

Then there is the matter of the status of Washington, DC. It has a
sizeable Somali minority, many of whom drive taxis. Your selfish
insistence that the District of Columbia remain American is racist and
insensitive. You must end the apartheid regime inside America and turn
Washington into the shared capital of two states.

Then you must pay compensation to the families of the Somali pirates
mercilessly killed in cold blood by your Navy SEALS. You must grant them
survivor benefits from the American social security administration and
lands inside Yellowstone Park. This is not even the first time that you
Americans violated the civil rights of pirates. Your crimes go all the
way back to Thomas Jefferson and his imperialist attacks on the Barbary
coast pirates. The aggressors were led by that racist warmonger
Lieutenant Stephen Decatur, Jr., who attacked pirate ships in Tripoli for
no better reason than that they had hijacked the USS Philadelphia. Did
you not learn anything from that early bout of American imperialist
insensitivity?

You must offer the pirates Internet web services and five-star tourist
hotels in exchange for their promising to abandon violence. After all,
that is how we turned Yasser Arafat into a peace partner. You see,
military force serves no role any more in the post-modern universe. It is
passe. It is archaic. Today, consumer interests dominate the world, and
the Somali activists of the earth will surely wish to make peace in
exchange for some profits from participating in global trade.
The attacks on the American ship by the Somali pirates came because you
have been insufficiently sensitive to the needs of the Other. You should
have negotiated with them even while the ship was under attack.
Conditioning negotiations on an end to violence is a no-win situation. It
will simply prolong the bloodshed! You must put your own house in order,
eliminate inequality and injustice inside Chicago, and then the militants
will no longer target you.

The key is to build a New Middle Africa, one in which everyone is so busy
with the important matters of developing tourism, infrastructure
investments and high-technology that they will have no time to pursue
violence.

Begin by declaring a unilateral ceasefire! Mister President, blessed is
the peacemaker. Remember Martin Luther King! Go meet with the legitimate
representatives of the Somali pirates. The entire world will support you
and congratulate you if you respond to the attack on the American ship by
disarming the United States and opening serious dialogue with the pirate
activists.

All we are saying is give peace a chance. Yitzhak Rabin would have
approved. Yes, chaver, what you need is shalom, salaam, peace. You will
be awarded a Nobel Peace Prize in recognition. Do not allow yourself to
be drawn down into the gutter of retaliation. Violence never achieves
anything. History has no lessons. History is the dead past.
Follow my example! Provide the Somali pirate organization with
anti-aircraft and anti-tank missiles so that they can battle against the
true radicals and extremists. And they will do so with no ACLU or Supreme
Court to restrain them!

Demonstrate your humanity by paying pensions to any widows and orphans of
the militants killed by the Navy SEALS.

Mister President, my own peace policies have eliminated war, bloodshed and
terror from the Middle East. We now have only peace partners. If you
follow in my footsteps, you can achieve the same lofty goals.

Peacefully yours,

Shimon Peres, Peacemaker-at-Large