Friday, February 26, 2010

Purim Compendium

Purim Compendium



1.  Memo: To the Mossad

                  From Steven Plaut

                  Re: Passports


You guys can use my passport any time you want.  Just let me know when you want to come by and pick it up.


2.  The Purim Clown
by Steven E. Plaut
March 24th, 1997

Shani Rosen-Winter is a baby girl, six months old. For Purim she was dressed as a clown by her mother, Anat Rosen-Winter, an attorney. For Purim Mrs. Rosen-Winter took her baby daughter to the Apropos cafe in the fashionable cafe district of Tel Aviv a block away from Dizengoff Street.

The Palestinians engaged in terror, suicide bombings and violence.
Rabin pursued
Oslo anyway.

Baby Shani then became the living epitome of the Oslo peace process and the new Middle East. When the bomb went off, her mother was mortally wounded and died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. Anat Rosen-Winter, together with two other women, Dr. Michal Meidan Avrahami, a medical doctor, and Yael Gilad, a social worker, were killed. Dr. Michal Meidan Avrahami was 16 weeks pregnant. They will be added to Beilingrad, that cemetery of victims of peace named after Yossi Beilin, godfather of Oslo.

For you see, once upon a time there was a foolish idea. Yossi Beilin, head of the far-left fringe of the Labor Party advocated it secretly. But he assured the Party and everyone else that if the Palestinians engaged in terror, launched suicide bombings and violence, then the idea would be abandoned and discarded. The Palestinians engaged in terror, launched suicide bombings, and violence. Beilin promoted his idea and opened secret negotiations in Oslo anyway.

When the late Prime Minister Rabin was brought aboard the Oslo bandwagon, he reassured Israel. He was a hawk and general, after all. If the Palestinians engage in terror and suicide bombings and violence, they will lose the great historical opportunity presented by Oslo, he will call off the negotiations at once and take back everything offered by Israel. The Palestinians engaged in terror, suicide bombings and violence. Rabin pursued Oslo anyway.

After Rabin was killed, Prime Minister Shimon Peres accelerated the Oslo process. As he considered turning over the cities in Judea and Samaria to the Palestinians, he assured everyone that if the Palestinian terror, suicide bombings and violence did not stop at once, Oslo would be halted and the Palestinians would lose their great historic opportunity forever. The terror, bombings and violence continued. Peres continued to make concessions and pulled Israel out of the West Bank cities.

Peres got trounced in the elections for his hypocrisy. Netanyahu got elected. He promised to continue Oslo, but only if the Palestinians behave themselves with a complete absence of terror, bombings and violence. He threatened ominously, any resumption of terror and bombings would end Oslo forever, the PLO would be stripped of everything it had received. Israel would return to its pre-Oslo policies.

On March 21, 1997, the same day the press carried reports that Netanyahu would agree to accept a Palestinian state as long as the PLO agreed to allow Israel to keep Jerusalem, the day after Arafat urged Palestinians to renew the violence and intifada and warfare until Israel had fully relinquished Jerusalem, the Palestinian campaign of suicide bombings was renewed.

As a result in one moment, Baby Shani became the epitome of the Oslo peace process. She was seriously, though not mortally, wounded in the bomb blast. She was grabbed by 18-year old Shabtai Labanda, who handed her off to a police woman, while he rushed to apply a tourniquet to another bomb victim whose arm had been blown off. The TV image that will be most remembered, not only of the bombing on March 21st, but of Oslo in general, will be that of this police woman running back and forth frantically with Baby Shani in her arms trying in desperation to find the baby's mother. The mother was dead.

Israel cemented up the house of the suicide bomber, who will NOT be buried in a pigskin, in contrast with the technique used by Britain to suppress Islamic terror in Malaysia and the Philippines after World War II. Israel used to blow up houses of terrorists, but the Israeli Left complained this was cruel and unusual, so now the doors of their homes just get cemented up. Then three hours after the cameras are gone, the family of the dead terrorist can move back in.

The suicide bomber who murdered Baby Shani's mother, Yael Gilad, Dr. Michal Meidan Avrahami and her unborn child had been arrested three weeks earlier for illegal sojourn within Israel. Before that he had got himself fired from his job at a cafe in a suburb of Tel Aviv for sexually harassing a Jewish waitress. But in post-Oslo Israel, the government has a policy of seeking to release as many Palestinian criminals as possible to keep the PLO happy. So the terrorist in question was released. Why seek to put terrorists on the street? For the same reason the Israeli government has a policy of sanctioning the theft by Palestinians and the PLO of 34,000 cars a year from Israel, a third of the number purchased each year by Israelis, as "reparations" to the Palestinians, while Israeli police have been ordered not to stop the theft.

Since the victims of the bombing are three women, with most of the wounded also women,one might expect the far-Left Israel Women's Network, the main feminist militant group led by Prof. Alice Shalvi, to speak up. The only thing they have to say about all this is that Israel must not build any housing in Jerusalem and must return to its 1949 borders. You know, those borders once described by Labor Lemming Abba Eban as "Auschwitz Borders."

Members of the PLO leadership praised the bombing as a great act for peace. The PLO says the Jews are to blame for building housing in Jerusalem. The Foreign Minister of Egypt says that Baby Shani is motherless because "Israeli policies necessitate responses that are dangerous to the peace process." (H'aaretz March 23, 1997)

The Israeli Labor Party continues its role as chief apologist and PR agent for Palestinian terror. When Arafat ordered a pogrom last fall in which 15 Israelis were murdered, the Labor Party said it was all the Likud's fault, because the Likud had agreed to allow Jews to walk through a 2200-year old Hasomonean water tunnel blocks away from the Al-Aqsa Mosque. Now the Labor Party is again saying that the Likud is to blame for Shani's Mom getting murdered, since the government has decided to let Jews build houses in Jerusalem on land they purchased and own.

U.S. President Bill Clinton is continuing his election campaign on behalf of Shimon Peres even though Peres lost the election. Before the election, Clinton flew all the way to Sharm Al-Sheikh to help Peres get elected. Now he is pressuring the Israeli government (Ha'aretz March 23, 1997) to bring Peres and the Labor Party in to a national unity government, presumably to make it more likely that Israel redeploy out of Jerusalem and back to its Auschwitz Borders. Israeli response to Clinton's naked meddling in internal Israeli affairs? Well, it was not -- as I suggested -- to cable, "Sure as soon as you confess and compensate Gennifer Flowers."

Ha'aretz also reports that the US State Department flippantly dismissed Israeli reports to it that Arafat had given a "green light" to renewed terror and bombings. It does not fit in with Madge Albrights all-bright view of the peace process.

And what of Baby Shani? Who will grow up without a mother? Fear not, she will be growing up into a Brave New Middle East, a post- Oslo post-Zionist world of "peace" and Beilingrad.




The Unworldly Neturei Karta




By Steven Plaut

Say What? Anti-Semites? Who, us anti-Zionists? US? We have nothing against Jews as such. We just hate Zionism and Zionists. We think Israel does not have a right to exist. But that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such. Heavens to Mergatroyd. Marx Forbid. We are humanists. Progressives. Peace lovers.

Anti-Semitism is the hatred of Jews. Anti-Zionism is opposition to Zionism and Israeli policies. The two have nothing to do with one another. Venus and Mars. Night and Day. Trust us.

Sure, we think the only country on the earth that must be annihilated is Israel. But that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such.

Sure, we think that the only children on earth whose being blown up is ok if it serves a good cause are Jewish children. But that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such.

Sure we think that if Palestinians have legitimate grievances this entitles them to mass murder Jews. But that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such.

Naturally, we think that the only people on earth who should never be allowed to exercise the right of self-defense are the Jews. Jews should only resolve the aggression against them through capitulation, never through self-defense. But that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such.

We only denounce racist apartheid in the one country in the Middle East that is NOT a racist apartheid country. But that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such.

We refuse to acknowledge the Jews as a people, and think they are only a religion. We do not have an answer to how people who do NOT practice the Jewish religion can still be regarded as Jews. But that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such.

We think that all peoples have the right to self-determination, except Jews, and including even the make-pretend Palestinian "people". But that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such.

We hate it when people blame the victims, except of course when people blame the Jews for the jihads and terrorist campaigns against them. But that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such.

We think the only country in the Middle East that is a fascist anti-democratic one is the one that has free elections. But that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such.

We demand that the only country in the Middle East with free speech, free press, or free courts be destroyed. But that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such.

We oppose military aggression, except when it is directed at Israel. But that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such.

We really understand suicide bombers who murder bus loads of Jewish children and we insist that their demands be met in full. But that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such.

We think the only conflict on earth that must be solved through dismembering one of the parties to that conflict is the one involving Israel. But that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such.

We do not think that Jews have any human rights that need to be respected and especially not the right to ride a bus without being murdered. But that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such.

There are Jewish leftist anti-Zionists and we consider this proof that anti-Zionists could not possibly be anti-Semitic. Not even the ones who cheer when Jews are mass murdered. These are the only Jews we think need be acknowledged or respected. But that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such.

We do not think murder proves how righteous and just the cause of the murderer is, except when it comes to murderers of Jews. But that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such.

We do not think the Jews are entitled to their own state and must submit to being a minority in a Rwanda-style "bi-national state", although no other state on earth, including the 22 Arab countries, should be similarly expected to be deprived of its sovereignty. But that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such.

We think that Israel's having a Jewish majority and a star on its flag makes it a racist apartheid state. We do not think any other country having an ethnic-religious majority or having crosses or crescents or "Allah Akbar" on its flag is racist or needs dismemberment. But that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such.

We condemn the "mistreatment" of women in the only country of the Middle East in which they are not mistreated. But that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such.

We condemn the "mistreatment" of minorities in the only country in the Middle East in which minorities are NOT brutally suppressed and mass murdered. But that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such.

We demand equal citizen rights, which is why the only country in the Middle East in need of extermination is the only one in which they exist. But that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such.

We have no trouble with the fact that there is no freedom of religion in any Arab countries. But we are mad at hell at Israel for violating religious freedom, and never mind that we are never quite sure where or when it does so. But that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such.

So how can you possibly say we are anti-Semites? We are simply anti-Zionists. We seek peace and justice, that's all. And surely that does not mean we have anything against Jews as such.


 5.  The Boojoos-Political Satire
by Steven Plaut

It has been quite a while since we devoted an incitement to the subject of the Boojoos. Boojoo is shorthand for Buddhist Jew. The BOOJOOS are people who take vedic forms of paganism and dress them up as an "alternative" form of Judaism. The Reconstructionist Deconstructionists are among the better-known examples of the movement. But of course the most important Boojoos are the Woodstockischer Hassidim, a small cult group that reads Tikkun Magazine and follows the teachings of people like Michael Lerner and Arthur Waskow, the Rabbi Cheech and Rabbi Chong of this great movement.
I assume you are all familiar with that towering achievement of the intellect, Tikkun Magazine. Tikkun is the magazine for Jewish fossilized 60's radicals and new-wave pseudo-religious mystics, the main vehicle of expression for "PC Judaism", that is, the school of thought that holds that Judaism is nothing more and nothing less than the PC Leftist political agenda. It is edited by 60's Radical Michael Lerner, and hosts Israeli far-Left journalists (mostly from Haaretz), Hippy-Rabbis ("Mitzvahs for McGovern"), people like Arthur Waskow (who is founder of the tree-hugging branch of Judaism), etc. Its logo should probably read, "Like heavy, Dude, this Judaism is really great dope!" Anyway, Tikkun editor Michael Lerner was in the news back in 1992 after Clinton won that Presidential election. The reason is that Lerner was apparently Hillary Clinton's favorite Jew. After the election, Hillary made Lerner her official guru, and together they rambled about the nation promoting Lerner's religion of "The Politics of Meaning". This, you will recall, is basically the promoting of PC politics clothed in pseudo-religious symbols and imagery. Lately Hillary distanced herself from Michael of Meaning, apparently because even the hillbillies in Arkansas were starting to make fun of him around their stills.
So what became of Lerner? Well, a team of analysts has just completed an exhaustive study and has reached the incredible and serendipitous conclusion that Michael Lerner has been the person inside the children's TV character Barney the Dinosaur. The first clues were that Barney and Lerner seem to have somewhat similar bodily dimensions and both have that big overbite. But what gave it away was the fact that Barney has been preaching the Politics of Meaning from PBS television stations to masses of unsuspecting children. Indeed, the entire essence of the Politics of Meaning is expressed in the theme song: "I wuv you, You wuv me, We're a Happy Famil-wee."
When confronted with this and asked whether that song was the elaboration of the Politics of Meaning for Children, Lerner hesitated and said, "Yes, well, er, no. Actually it is the full elaboration of Politics of Meaning for adults as well."
Meanwhile, as your faithful correspondent on the spot, we have gotten hold of advance galleys for the forthcoming issue of the Hippy-Jewish far-Left Tikkun magazine and it promises to be a lollapalooza. I thought you might enjoy hearing about what our Boojoo brethren have in mind for their next work of progressive loving-and-caring politics of meaning.
The cover article will be entitled, "Shatnez for the 21st Century", written by Rabbi Michael Moonbeam. In it, he argues that just like vegetarianism is the ultimate form of kashrut and the truly highest spiritual fulfillment of Biblical kashrut laws, so nudist davening is the ultimate and highest fulfillment of Biblical laws against shatnez, the mixing of fibers in garments from certain sources. He argues that progressive Jews should adopt the habit of congregating in minyans in the nude, other than wearing the requisite tallis and yarmulka.
In the second article, Rabbi Arthur Woodstock devotes a full 16-page article to the question of Cannabis Smoking on the Sabbath. He points out that while in the past it was believed that Torah rules prohibit all lighting of fire, including for smoking, on the Sabbath, Rav Woodstock has concluded that smoking of marijuana is not only permitted for the Sabbath, but downright mandated.
Oh, I have discovered a song that is the Tikkun official ballad, taken from the important textbook, "Customs and Ceremonies of the Woodstockischer Hassidim", authored by the famous Woodstockischer Admor Shlita of Philadelphia. It goes to the same melody as Puff the Magic Dragon.
Puff the Pothead Rabbi,
Lived on LSD*,
And Frolicked on the Internet,
And Preached Ecology,

Little Michael Lerner,
Loved that Rebbe Puff,
And Gave Him Lots of Tikkun Space,
To Preach His PC Fluff.
A Rabbi's Fame's Forever,
But Not so Little Puff's,
And Mikey Lost His Meaning,
When Hillary Said Enough,
Puff came to Console Him,
With Bible Talk Atoned,
Together they got spiritual,
Like Moses they got Stoned.
Oh, Puff the Pothead Rabbi,
Lived on LSD*,
And Frolicked on the Internet,
And Preached Ecology.
[LSD = Limitless Silly Discourse]
And now from Sioux City, Iowa, Pants Productions brings you live from the Ed Sullivan Theater: The Late Show, with Dave Letterman. Tonight's Top Ten List. Tonight, Dave brings you the ten recent feature articles appearing in Tikkun magazine:
10. Why the Yom Kippur services should be conducted only in Black English.
9. How to hide psychedelic drugs in tefillin boxes so's the pigs don't catch you.
8. Jewish symbolism in the film "Easy Rider".
7. The pros and cons of bathing for progressives.
6. What to order when you take an African-American militant to lunch.
5. Why dolphins should be allowed be ordained as Rabbis.
4. Plans for establishing a Vedic Rabbinical Seminary.
3. Why Jews should show solidarity with life forms on Vulcan.
2. Planting trees for peace in Baghdad.
1. Joycelyn Elders takes over as Editor of Tikkun and replaces the Politics of Meaning with the Politics of Self-Feeling, but no one notices the change.
Finally, It has occurred to me that many of the members of the editorial board of Tikkun magazine, not to mention most of their readership, must be pushing 65 years old. Think about that. Well I have, and I think that there are a number of fine business opportunities, selling products to the geriatric hippies and menopausal Marxists of this fine magazine. I am now looking for some partners to go in with me in these ventures, developing products to sell to the Tikkun readership, advertising in the magazine. Anyone with some idle capital, give me a buzz. Here are the projects I have thought of so far:

1. A book of recipes for preparing hashish brownies laced with Metamucil, just the thing to keep you a regular revolutionary. They will also be sold at the new progressive bistro we will open, to be called Chez Che.
2. Bob Dylan bunion cream, so that you will not need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.
3. Macrobiotic Grey Poupon, to be passed back and forth from designer VW vans of psychedelic yuppies, and Oh The Colors The Colors.
4. Jerry Garcia Geratol Tablets.
5. Ho Ch Minh Hernia Halters.
6. Huey Newton Shuffleboard Set.
7. Jimi Hendrix Hearing Aid, with special microcassette that plays The Wind Cries Dentures.
8. Special Revolutionary Remake VCR tape of Leave it To Beaver, with a progressive Cleaver family. In this special tape, Ward and June drop out, turn on, and then go to Cuba to cut cane in the Vencemeros Brigade with their boys, Beaver, Wally and Eldridge.
9. Malcolm X Lax.
10. Preparation Ho. (Short for Preparation Ho Chi Minh) This is the perfect treatment for progressives and hippies at the ends of their trails to reduce painful swelling and itching at the ends of their trails. For those whose Mekong Delta is backed up, see previous product.
11. Bumper stickers and progressive lapel buttons that say: "Flower and Flatulence Power"

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