Zionist Conspiracy

1. Get your Lottery Tickets!

I would like to propose a wonderful way to raise money for worthy
causes. Since I am not planning to implement it myself, you are
welcome to use the idea on your own - for free, no royalties. The
basic idea is to raise money for good causes by selling lottery
tickets based on the date and hour that Khader Adnan dies.

Let's back up a little and explain this. The Israeli Left has a
new darling in the person of one Khader Adnan, an arch-terrorist from
the Islamic Jihad now in Israeli prison. He is a leader in the
terrorist group, has served as its spokesman, and is now in the
headlines because he has been treating himself, or at least apologists
claim he has, to a nice long hunger strike. See this:
http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-4192445,00.html

Now just what is he holding his hunger strike over? Surely it is
not over the country-club conditions under which Israel holds its
Palestinian terrorist mass murderers! Their food comes from outside
caterers and is the same food the police and guards eat. They have
nice cushy cells with DVDs and they get to do college degrees via
distance learning. Adnan's only complaint seems to be that, by being
kept locked up by Israel, he is being preventing from pursuing his
real career goals of murdering as many Jewish children as possible.

Technically he is being held under "administrative arrest," but
in Israel that just means that a terrorist has not yet been brought to
formal trial because Israel does not want to disclose the informers
and sources of information about his terrorist activity to keep them
discreet and for fear of what would happen to the sources.

Among those rushing to support the dieting terrorist have been
many in the Israeli ultra-Left, including the anti-Jewish "Physicians
for Human Rights," an extremist group that was in the past run by Ben
Gurion University anti-Semite Neve Gordon and is now run by Ben Gurion
University leftist extremist Dani Filc (who is also chair of the
political science department at BGU that the whole world wants to see
shut down). Obviously, neither of the latter two are physicians.
Adnan is suddenly the hero and darling of the anti-Semites all over
the world. They say he is nothing more than a harmless baker, not a
terrorist. Sure, and Hitler just was a house painter. The web is
full of expressions of love for him: see for example
http://972mag.com/today-i-join-khader-adnans-hunger-strike-will-you/35842/
(this is an Israeli leftist web site funded by the EU) and
http://latitude.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/02/21/khader-adnan-hunger-strike-challenges-israel-detention-of-palestinians/
. Few of those so upset about Adnan's weight reduction program had
much to say about Gilad Shalit being kept in captivity for five years,
although a handful – like Neve Gordon – actually justified and
celebrated Shalit's being kidnapped and held.

You may recall that terrorists from the IRA used to hold hunger
strikes in British jails back when Maggie Thatcher invited them to
refuse to eat for as long as they wished. You may also recall Winston
Churchill's reaction to one of Mahatma Gandhi's hunger strikes: "Why
hasn't he died yet?"

I personally am all in favor of Israel helping Adnan in his hunger
strike on behalf of the Palestinian right to murder by announcing that
he will not be given any food even he asks for it. This is important,
because there are news reports today that he has decided to start
eating (http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-4192881,00.html ).
I would help him to continue in his cause! I must say that I also
find an alternative suggestion tempting, according to which McDonald's
hamburger commercials will be broadcast into his cell 24 hours a day
while he strikes.

Meanwhile, oodles of other jailed murderers and terrorists in
Israel announced to the media that they too are going on hunger
strike, at least in between meals, as a gesture of solidarity with
Adnan. They can also be the bases for my lottery scheme.

Here is how it would work. As long as Adnan continues his hunger
strike, or – if he has really decided to end it – the next time he or
another arch terrorist holds a hunger strike, lottery tickets will be
sold. 80% of the proceeds will be used to pay out a prize to the
person (or split in case of ties) whose guess of the date and time of
the death of the hunger striker was closest to the actual time. The
remaining 20% would be used to fund worthwhile charitable causes, such
as new settlements in the West Bank or Ariel University (whom 500 of
Israel's leftist academics are petitioning this week to be shut down
because it sits on the correct side of the Green Line.) Separate
lotteries could be held for each hunger striker. You are welcome to
set up your own lottery along these lines - no need to pay me any
royalties for conceiving the idea! Just use the skim for something
reactionary!

2. Speaking of hunger strikes, as a related item I would like to
propose putting on permanent hunger strikes all Israeli politicians
responsible for the Israeli policy of paying welfare checks and social
security stipends (from Israel's "National Insurance Institute," which
is like the Social Security Administration) to convicted terrorists.
It is called Paychecks for Terrorists!

Anyone thinking that Israel's government wants the country to
survive will have a great deal of trouble explaining away this
long-time policy. That is correct, jailed terrorists collect social
security and welfare payments. After all, it is not like they can get
a job and go out to work! In cases where they have murdered Jews, the
families of their victims cannot demand to strip the murderer of those
funds received and to have them paid to victims. In some cases the
murderers have been injured, so they also get disability insurance
payments. And it goes without saying that when they reach the legal
retirement age, they get an old-age stipend. Even George Orwell could
not have dreamed up such a system!

I guess there is nothing stopping the terrorists from buying
Welfare Caddies with their checks, except that most prisons in which
they are held do not have parking facilities for Cadillacs purchased
by inmates.

Now comes the latest attempt to reform this outrage. In a new
initiative in the Knesset by a group of Knesset Members from different
parties, led by David Rotem (Yisrael Beitenu party), and approved
unanimously yesterday by the Knesset welfare committee, the stipends
and pensions paid to convicted murderers and terrorists will be cut by
50%. That is correct – the Knesset is only one-half working for
Israel's obliteration, by preserving only half of the stupidest idea
in human history. Rotem wants to eliminate the Paychecks for
Terrorists Program altogether but there is too much opposition from
the rest of the Knesset. Israel's Ministry of Justice bureaucrats
opposed any reduction in the welfare benefits for the mass murderers.

So on second thought, maybe the solution is to put all those
Knesset Members who insist that the Paychecks for Murderers Program
continue at 50% of its old level into prison on a diet providing them
with 50% of the calories that an adult needs to survive!

And then we could sell MORE lottery tickets for them!

And since Adar is about to begin, let me be very clear that this
entire news item is NOT a spoof! (I realize you suspected it was, but
it is for real!)