Friday, July 20, 2012
By Steven Plaut
Comrades!! I have made an amazing discovery! It seems that over the millennia some minor errors have crept into the text in the Book of Genesis, specifically in the segment concerning Adam and Eve. I know this because I consulted an important authority on the subject: my wife.
Let me explain:
The errors have to do with some missing details about what Adam was doing in the Garden of Eden in the first place. It seems Adam was busy with resolving the problem of how to conduct wet-mopping of the floor of his abode in the Garden, the recreational activity that Israelis today refer to as "Sponja." In a typical "Sponja" operation, a large wet rag is affixed to the bottom of a large squeegee on a pole and the sanitation activity proceeds. (See http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7U5HC5I4KQ )
Adam's problem was that he had been planning to recruit the black panther, the bear, and the mongoose from the Garden for the Sponja-ing, but alas they were all off engaged in preparations with Mogli for producing the Jungle Book. Adam figured he could just attend to the Sponja matter on his own.
But the Almighty was observing and quickly realized that Adam had no idea of what the proper way to conduct Sponja was. So while Adam was napping, a rib was removed from him by the Divine Surgeon and it was transformed into a Sponja consultant named Eve.
Eve quickly took the matter into hand. "You are doing everything WRONG, Adam," she commented. "But why do you say that?" "Well," she opined, "For one thing you are doing the Sponja operation from the top of the stairs and then working your way down to the bottom. The problem with that is that when you get to the bottom, you then walk back UP the stairs you just cleaned, leaving tracks!"
"No, that cannot be true," explained Adam. "You see, the force of gravity pulls the dirt DOWN and so the only logical way to Sponja the stairs is from top to bottom." "Oish," said Eve, "Your 'Y' chromosome is interfering with your logic again!"
But that was not the only supervisory role of the Sponja consult. "Look Adam," said Eve, "If you are going to do Sponja, then at least do it properly. You are leaving mounds of un-Sponja'd dirt behind the sofa and refrigerator." "Ah, but YOU are wrong there, Eve," Adam explained. "You see, if un-Sponja'd material cannot be seen by the naked eye, or even by an eye covered with the leaf of a fig plant, then it does not COUNT as dirt at all." Eve responded by pulling long strands of her hair from her head, making repeat Sponja of that room necessary.
"Oh NO Adam, now you are completely out of control. You just dumped the dirty used water from the Sponja's bucket down the drain in the bath tub instead of into the toilet," cried Eve. "Exactly," replied Adam, "That is the proper place to dump it because it flushes out all the hairs that were not caught in the bathtub's drain net. It is simple science, woman!" Eve muttered something in Hebrew under her breath and to the grazing antelopes it sounded like a sentence containing the words "idiot" and "actually has a PhD."
Finally in exasperation, Adam yelled at his consultant, "If you do not like the way I do Sponja, then why don't you just go and do it on your own?" "Don't be simple, Adam," she responded, "You know darned well that I have a cooking class consultation today with my dietician, the Snake."
And the rest of the story is outlined in detail in the Book of Genesis.