Zionist Conspiracy

1. For all my fellow rednecks: Texas Swing version of Hava Nagila:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WF6irnzAiI


2. As you know, President Obama likes to go through the motions of
commemorating Jewish holidays in the White House, like lighting
Channuka candles.

Well. We bring you here the Obama-DNC version of the Scroll of Esther for Purim:


Chapter I


And it came to pass in the third year of the reign of Achashverosh,
King
of Persia, that the King threw a great party. And it was during that

party, that the King became intoxicated and called for his wife
Vashti
to come dance naked in front of the guests. Now, Vashti was a
liberated
woman, and was not at all ashamed to display her body in public ("my

body, my choice," she used to say). But she was certainly not going
to
do so at the behest of a male chauvinist like her husband. So she
refused to appear, and the following morning, in addition to a major

hangover, Achashverosh had one royal-size sexual harassment suit
waiting
for him. Public opinion quickly turned against the King, and he was
forced to settle out of court for an undisclosed sum of money.

Chapter II

It was after those events that the King missed Vashti, and wanted to

find a new wife. He consulted his inner circle of advisors, which,
in
accordance with multi-cultural practices, consisted of, among
others,
one woman, one Indian, one Ethiopian, and one handicapped person,
who
was also rumored to be gay. One of his advisors, Memoochan,
suggested
holding a beauty contest, attended by all the fairest maidens in the

land. But his female advisor informed him that Memoochan was a
Neanderthal living in the dark ages, and that beauty contests where
men
gawk at women walking around in swimsuits had long ago gone out of
fashion. Instead, she suggested giving a test in such subjects as
physics, literature and music, and the most intelligent woman would
be
made queen. And the King, already lagging in the public opinion
polls,
had no choice, and he said to make it so.

Now it just so happened that in the Kingdom of Persia there lived a
young Jewish girl named Esther who was very beautiful, but much more

importantly, had a 195 IQ. Having successfully sued her parents for
termination of custody, she had been living with her uncle
Mordechai.
Esther aced the test and was chosen to be the new queen. Only, the
homosexual community objected the word "queen," and the feminists
didn't
like the whole gender-based title thing, so it was decided that she
would just be called "Royal Person." So Esther was crowned Royal
Person
of Persia and was married to King Achashverosh, though she kept her
own
last name. And being that Esther was an intelligent woman in her own

right, and had no intention whatsoever of sitting quietly next to
the
King looking pretty, she was given her own staff of 15 and an office
in
the west wing of the palace.

Chapter III

It was after those events that King Achashverosh elevated his
advisor
Haman to be his chief advisor. There were some protests by the
African-Persian community because he hadn't selected an African
Persian
to be his top advisor, by the appointment went through anyway. It
turned
out the Haman was a big anti-Semite, and he asked the King's
permission
to kill all the Jews, which he got. So Haman sent out a proclamation
to
all the lands in the kingdom outlining his plan. Distressed, the
Jews
sought a court-issued injunction to stop Haman from sending it. But
Haman was defended by the head of the Persian Civil Liberties Union,
who
ironically was also Jewish, and who claimed that the injunction
would
violate Haman's right to free speech. And the injunction was not
issued,
so the proclamation was sent.

Chapter IV

And Mordechai knew of all that had happened, and he donned a black
ribbon as a sign of mourning. And Esther sent a messenger to
Mordechai
to console him, but he would not be consoled. Then Mordechai sent
word
back to Esther that she should go the King and ask him to stop the
impending killing of all the Jews. Esther replied that other social
issues, such as the environment and harassment in the workplace were

more pressing, but Mordechai persuaded her as to the urgency of the
matter, and she agreed. Mordechai suggested calling all the Jews to
synagogue for three days of fasting and prayers, but Esther thought
that
was way outdated, and instead called for a non-denominational
candlelight vigil, and it was so.

Chapter V

And it came to pass on the third day that Esther put on her smartest

business suit and went to see the King. The King offered Esther up
to
half his assets, which he was actually required to give her anyway,
based on their pre-nup. Esther told the King that she had come to
invite
him and Haman to a big party she was throwing the next day. The King
was
very excited, and both he and Haman showed up to Royal Person
Esther's
party. The King, for his part, was careful not to violate the
out-of-court settlement he had made with Vashti, and there was none
of
that "dance naked" stuff that night. The party was a big hit, with
performances by Fleetwood Mac and crowd favorite Barbra Streisand.
And
Esther informed the King that both he and Haman were also invited to
her
next party, being thrown the following day on Martha's Vineyard.
Upon
leaving the party, Haman spotted his old nemesis Mordechai, which
ruined
his night. Haman's wife advised Haman to build a gallows 50 amot
tall
and ask the King to have Mordechai hanged the next day. She further
advised him to quit referring to her as "Haman's Wife." And he
built the
gallows.

Chapter VI

That night, the King had trouble sleeping. He called for his
servants to
bring him a video to watch, but since having gotten rid of all his
stag
films as part of his sensitivity training following the Vashti
debacle,
all they had left were a bunch of movies filmed in Montana and
produced
by Robert Redford. So they brought him the royal archives instead,
and
there he read that Mordechai had done him a big favor a few years
back.
Just then, Haman came in, and the King asked him what to do for
someone
to whom he owed a favor. Haman suggested maybe an ambassadorship to
some
insignificant but warm-climate country, or maybe letting him spend a

night in the palace's "Lincoln Bedroom." But the King decided to
have
Haman lead Mordechai around on a horse throughout the streets of
Shushan. However, the animal rights activists got wind of the King's

plan, and they went nuts, so it was decided that Haman would just
lead
Mordechai around on foot. And it was so. When he was done leading
Mordechai around, Haman walked home, despondent. But no sooner had
he
returned home than the King's messengers arrived to bring him to
Esther's second party. Haman's wife realized that her husband was
doomed
and commented that she had always known he would never amount to
anything.

Chapter VII

And the King and Haman came to drink with Royal Person Esther. And
it
was during the party that Esther shocked the King by telling him
that
someone in that very room was plotting to kill her and all the other

Jews. "Who is that man?" yelled the King. To which Esther replied
"What
makes you so sure it's a man? You don't think that a women is
capable of
killing all the Jewish people?" After an awkward silence, Esther
told
the King that is was, in fact, a man, and it was none other than his

chief advisor Haman! The King stormed out in a fit a rage and
meanwhile
Haman begged at Esther's feet for her to spare his life. He told her
how
he had grown up in a broken home, was raised by a crack-selling
mother
and had never had a normal childhood. Esther declared Haman to be a
product of society's failure to protect its children. So Haman's
crime
of "attempted genocide" was reduced to "issuing proclamations
without a
license" and he was given the relatively light sentence of
five-to-seven
years. After serving just two years of that sentence, he was given
time
off for good behavior and paroled. And the following year, the
residents
of Shushan elected Haman as their mayor, his being a felon
notwithstanding. Meanwhile, Esther convinced the King to come to
terms
with his anger and latent feelings of hostility towards women, and
the
King entered a 12-step program and when he was through, his anger
had
subsided.

Chapter VIII

That day, the King gave Esther Haman's house, and she told the King
that
Mordechai was her uncle. And Mordechai asked the King's permission
for
the Jews to rise up and kill their enemies. But Esther would have no

such thing, and instead, she arranged for a dialog being the Jewish
leaders and the leaders of the people of Shushan. And while they
couldn't overcome all their differences, they did agree to
joint-author
a letter of mutual acceptance and tolerance.

Chapter IX

And in the twelfth month, the month of Adar, on the day when the
Jews
were supposed to have been exterminated, the Jews held a three-day
conference of the Leaders of Jewish Organizations. And during that
conference, they agreed that a holiday should be established-the
holiday
of Purim. A holiday of charity and gift-giving. A holiday of
brotherly
love. A holiday where alternate-side-of-the-street parking rules
would
be suspended. A holiday where Jewish kids could dress up like Ninja
Turtles and Power Rangers and not have to feel that they had missed
out
on something by not celebrating Halloween. And a proclamation was
sent
out to all the King's lands, in all 127 languages, plus Ebonics. And
the
Jews were careful not to mention G-d's name, lest any of the
gentiles be
offended.

Chapter X

And King Achashverosh--the kinder and gentler King
Achashverosh--levied
a tax across the land, to raise money to pay for welfare and public
television. And the great deeds of Royal Person Esther and her uncle

Mordechai were duly recorded in the annals of Persia.